I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
