Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
