what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We are all done wearing pants today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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