I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
