I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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