Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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