I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
