i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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