It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
