Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
