when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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