Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
