Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
