Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
