my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
