Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
you never un-have a 4some
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
