my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
