I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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