you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
