I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
