She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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