clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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