I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
