I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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