you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
