there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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