Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
