24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
