Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
