My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
