Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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