It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
