It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
