this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
