My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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