i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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