WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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