i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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