Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
