Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
