Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
