I met the friendliest cop last night
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
being pregnant is like rehab
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
