I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
