____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
