you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
