I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
