i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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