im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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