well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
