we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
